If I were Heather...

I did feel a bit of empathy for Heather Mills but I really don't think her impromptu outburst outside court this week did her any favours, and of course The Establishment (run by the Alpha Males) was always going to make an example of her.

If I were Heather I would either a) immediately give my entire settlement (or at least £20million of it) to the charities which I work with, or b) bugger off with the money and live in New Mexico.

The Alpha Males may think they have won but I really hope Sir Paul has built a clause into the settlement that Heather and Bea must remain in the UK - because option b) must be looking pretty attractive to Heather right now...

Not-So-Easy-Tigers

If you follow my Blog you will know that I do make an effort to only Blog on positive subjects (Alpha Male and Dragons' Den related subjects excepted of course :-), but occasionally there comes a customer experience so hideously dire that I feel moved to report it to you.

And that occasion came today in the form of my third son's 5th birthday party which (at his insistence) I chose to hold at the Easy Tigers Play Centre in Chesterfield. [This is one of those industrial units with a huge climbing and soft play zone where you can let the kids run loose for an hour or so while parents can sit and have a cup of coffee.]

Said party was booked to start at 10.30am so we decided to arrive nice and early at 10am to ensure we had time to set up before Eddie's friends arrived. Mistake #1.

'I'm sorry madam, your party is booked for 10.30, your table is not set up yet, you'll have to wait until you can go in.'

It is a Sunday morning, the centre has only just opened and we can see there are lots of free tables inside, plus other kids are merrily arriving and going inside, but we (my husband and I, plus our 5 kids - including baby in carry seat) are left in the draughty foyer to wait for half an hour.

I query the decision only to be told 'It's policy'.

So I ask to see the manager.

A black and flame haired lady materialises (who can't be much older than 25) to tell me once again 'It's policy' but this time with a 'darling' added for good measure.

In my most persuasive and friendly tones I say 'Look, we're here parked in the foyer with 5 kids in tow including a baby; you're empty in there, SUUUUUUUUURELY we can just go in and get a cup of coffee while we wait?????' Eventually she relents and (after another 10 minutes or so mind) we are finally shown to our table.

Kids then arrive and play, but unexpectedly we have about 10 mums who decide to stay and wait - not a problem of course and they all take a table for a coffee and a natter.

An hour later the play session ends and the kids go to their party zone - a 'cage' with tables for their lunch. This is when the fun and games really commence.

I have ordered a 'platter' of food for the adults and ask where it is so that the mums can eat while the children tuck into their nuggets and chips.

'Sorry, we can't serve the adults food in the party area, they'll all have to sit at a table outside.'

'Why is that?????' I ask.

'Company Policy' I am once again told.

So, all the mums reluctantly leave their little ones and move back into the seating area; 5 minutes later a tiny plate with literally 2 rounds of sandwiches arrives; 4 ham triangles and 4 tuna ones, plus a small bowl of crushed up tortilla chips and salsa dip.

OK, my fault for not ordering enough, so to correct the situation I ask where Eddie's birthday cake has been taken so I can cut up some slices of cake for the mums to eat. It is plenty big enough for everyone.

'Sorry, we can't cut up the cake in the party area, we don't allow knives near the children. It's company policy.'

'OK' I say 'Can someone cut up the cake in the kitchen?'

'No, the cake has to be cut in the play area, it's company policy.'

'OK, let me take the cake and the knife I brought along out to my car so I can cut it up there and bring it back in for the mums.'

'Sorry, we don't allow any food to be eaten on the premises which has not been purchased here. Company policy.'

'But I've got 10 mums out there with a tiny plate of 8 sandwiches and I'd really like to be able to give them a slice of cake while they wait!' I protest.

'Well you should have ordered more food then.'

GRRRRRRRR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At this point, I express my exasperation with their 'company policies' which seem to have the business so tied up in red tape it is impossible for the party to be an enjoyable and stress free event. After all, the Easy Tigers website does state that the founders mission was that 'We wanted Parents to take it "easy" whilst their "tigers" were having fun.'

I ask to speak to the centre owner.

'They own the business but they're not often here' I'm told.

'Well that's clear!' I say - if they were around a bit more often they might know just how their centre is being run.

So I ask for the owners' names, so I can write to them about my customer 'experience'.

'We're not allowed to give you the owners names' I'm told. 'Company policy.'

Hmmmm.

Flame haired manageress then materialises once again to say 'Is there a problem darling?'

'Well, yes actually there is' I tell her, and recount all the events of the day and my frustration at how stressful the entire process has been. I am conscious that, by this point, I have turned into the 'Customer from Hell' - someone to be viewed with much amusement by all concerned. After all, they're all low paid workers doing part-time jobs and it isn't their business to worry about is it?

'There's no need to write to the owners' I am told, 'we have a feedback form here for you to fill in if you like.'

'Somehow I don't think the boxes on your form are big enough for what I want to write' I tell her, and disappear off to join the mums.

Party then draws to a close, and I ask if the coat racks on wheels can come to us at the mum's table so everyone can collect their party bags before leaving.

'Sorry they have to go to your party table' I am told, meaning everyone has to once again relocate before departing. By this point I am too stressed to argue.

Well, the main thing I guess is that the kids all had a good time, but I have to say as an adult I don't think my stress levels could have been any higher than at the point when I departed that building. So much for an 'easy' experience.

Oh well, the kids are 12, 9, 5, 2 and 5months - so I figure that is only another 60 or so birthday parties to endure before they have all got to the age where they don't want them any more... *sigh*

I don't suppose the owners of Easy Tigers will care much about this post or my complaint either - it's a great little business with hundreds of mums and kids crammed into every weekend session all overseen by what are clearly low cost staff none of whom seem to be old enough to have kids of their own. And I'm sure they generate more than enough business not to worry about losing mine.

It just really frustrates me - as an entrepreneur and a business advisor - to encounter businesses which are so tied up in 'company policy', it results in them actually being really badly run.

Alpha Females

Congratulations to Management Today for profiling the 'Top 35 Women Under 35' in this month's issue - but shame on the Sunday Times this week for labelling them 'Alpha Females' !

I've met several of the ladies on the list and can categorically say that they are 180 degrees opposite to the old fashioned 'Alpha Male' breed of businessmen. Yes, they are all focussed and determined - but the similarity really does end there.

Women tend to go into business through passion for what they do, not for profit. But ironically, it's that same passion - to sell great products, give fantastic services and create unforgettable experiences - that gives these 'Passionpreneurs' a formidable edge over their Alpha Male adversaries, who are typically much more interested in making money than in the customers who spend it.

Women who create businesses from the heart also create a really positive flow of energy - so vibrant that you actually feel energised in their presence - an energy which magically seems to attract the right people, as well as an abundance of opportunity. Speak to any Passionpreneur about their entrepreneurial journey and you can't fail to notice that amazing coincidences and synchronicity always seem to feature vividly in the mix.

Yes, there are still a few hard faced 'Alpha Females' out there, trying to prove they can be 'as good as the men' - in their navy pinstripe skirt suits and black stilletto uniforms.

By contrast, our Passionpreneurs are successful while still being feminine, and also run their business with tremendous ethics and integrity, realising that relentless pursuit of profit at any cost can no longer be the sole business driver in the 21st century .

Which magnetically attracts customers like bees to honey.

And given that 80% of consumer decisions are now made or influenced by women, it would seem that the time is ripe for our Passionpreneurs to show the men a thing or two about what it really means to be successful in business.

Peter Jones' New Show 'Tycoon'

I tuned in to last night's much hyped new ITV business series 'Tycoon' with much anticipation.

Not only am I an avid fan of the new breed of TV business shows, but also having known Peter Jones 'before he was famous' - when we filmed series 1 of Dragons' Den back in 2003 - I was interested to see how he had developed in his role as 'celebrity entrepreneur'.

But minutes in, as we were flown over the City of London in the opening credits and then had a street level view of his shiny new Bentley arriving outside a disused warehouse-type building, it became clear that we were destined to endure a lowest common denominator formulaic pastiche of The Apprentice meets Dragons' Den.

Jones has selected 6 would-be entrepreneurs to take part in the show, each trying to build their business in a 10 week period working in an open plan office, under the scrutiny and 'guidance' of Jones.

The problem with the show is that it quickly becomes apparent that Jones hasn't a clue about brands or marketing, constantly misguiding the businesses in his charge.

Thus we see the 'Gardening Girlies' being encouraged to re-brand to something more 'attention grabbing' - and then being heaped with praise for coming up with the new identity 'Sod Women'. Personally I can't think of a brand name more likely to alienate what is predominantly a female, middle England target customer.

Similarly, vodka juice girl was given a slating by Jones for her attempts at finding a name for her product - citing 'Death' cigarettes as a great example of an attention grabbing brand (yes, those were the fags launched in 1991 by the company which was in liquidation by 1999). She finally resorted to grabbing passing joggers on the South Bank for their suggestions.

Back to the warehouse office and Jones has summoned everyone to a meeting to discuss their progress. The Gardening Girlies, sorry I mean 'Sod Women', have arrived in navy pinstripe suits wearing ties - only to receive more praise from Jones for showing so much progress under his guidance. No doubt in a future episode they will arrive having undergone a complete sex change, only for Jones to coo 'Congratulations ladyboys, the penny has finally dropped with you that only men can be successful in business'.

Finally, Jones heads down a pier for a showdown with vodka juice girl - plus the inevitable threat of a sacking - when what she really needed most at this point is some friendly guidance from one of London's big branding agencies.

This is where I think the show was so disappointing compared to, say, the brilliant Mary Queen of Shops (BBC2 Thursdays 9pm). In that series, Mary Portas not only points out where the businesses are going wrong, but then really gives brilliant hands-on guidance - by bringing some of the top fashion professionals in to help show how it should be done.

As the show progressed, while Jones' teeth got whiter, his cufflinks got bigger and the Bentley got shinier, Jones personality got thinner and thinner. By the end of the epsiode I was left feeling that this was simply another TV vehicle for his now monstrous sized alpha male ego.

The penny finally dropped when we saw the last frame and realised that the show had been created and produced by Jones' own TV production company Peter Jones TV. Like his Max Clifford co-client Simon Cowell, Jones clearly sees TV production as his latest way to make some much needed money.

A quick peek at the latest Phones International accounts shows why the diversification is needed - £4million profit on £186million sales is a nice business to have, but hardly puts Jones in the 'Tycoon' bracket of a Branson, Dyson or Sugar. Especially when up the road at Red Letter Days (the business I started, which Jones acquired out of administration in 2005 in a flourish of 'I'm-a-Dragon-and-I-know-a-Great-Business-Opportunity-When-I-see-One' publicity) has just filed a loss of £7.1 million.

While the TV route may have worked for Simon Cowell, sadly I don't see the same happening for Peter. While the idea for the show was great, the execution was lousy, and as one of Britain's supposed new breed of business leader, Jones just doesn't have the X-Factor.